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By: Donna Douglas and Stoney McCart |
Having trouble with 'Tom' in the backseat?
How much more difficult is it if those groping hands belonged to your father? Or stepfather? Or uncle?
Young people in all parts of the country are caught in the complex bind of parent/family love and obedience and the horror that accompanies sexual advances.
Donna Douglas has just spent six months interviewing people who spent a good part of their youth coping with sexual advances from family members, particularly fathers or father figures. Each has the same insistent message for others: "You have the right to say no. Your body belongs to you.
If you've been backed into a corner while serving at an adult party or been asked to 'come sit on uncle's lap' and been made to feel uncomfortable by the unspoken sexual undercurrent, you can easily imagine how incredibly difficult it is for the young person who has to deal with a direct approach from a parent.
Natural and appropriate feelings of love, intimacy, respect and obedience get confused by sexual approaches; then love gets twisted by hate, anger, guilt and a tremendous sense of isolation, being all alone.
You're not alone. Experts are estimating that one of every five girls and one of every ten boys are subjected to some form of sexual abuse before reaching adulthood.
Meet Megan, Joanne, Susan, Kim, Patti and Fiona. Their circumstances, ages and activities are real; their names are not. Each has put a stop to sexual activities within the home, and their identities are protected because each continues to live with, or near, their families as they put the past behind them and build new lives.
Each of the people in this article talks about how the experience began, when it stopped and what happened afterward. Their courage and strength in talking explicitly about what happened to them should not be underestimated; they do it from the passionate conviction that it need not happen to others; ignorance and confusion were their biggest enemies.
"I thought other kids did this, but I never discussed it with anybody"
"I knew he wasn't supposed to touch me there, but he was my father and you're supposed to honor your father"
You'll only meet women in this article because father or father/figure abuse of daughters is more often reported to family service agencies, and family counselors could direct us to women who would share their experiences to forewarn others.
Tragically, the estimated one in ten young male victims are still locked up inside their own experiences and homes, because the double taboo on homosexuality and incest means father/ son abuse is even less likely reported. Mother/son incest is extremely rare, experts say, and usually occurs when the son is adult.
Spelling out the experiences is ugly, uncomfortable and unsettling for those who haven't had to confront the reality and issues that these family relationships highlight. Yet, victims and counsellors agree, discovering you're not the only one and talking out the experience is critical to getting life together and working well....
Megan was six years old when her stepfather Carl turned tickling into a sexual assault that lasted nearly three years.
"I would be sitting on the couch watching TV. He'd come along and start tickling me. Then he'd work his way down; he'd take my clothes off.
"Sometimes he'd come into my bed. He would touch me inside my body. Every so often, he'd look out the window for my mom. When he did see her coming, he'd tell me to get my pants on.
"He'd kiss me 'down there' or touch me. And while he did it, he said, 'I love you.'
''But there are two different loves. I was six years old ... I didn't know which love he meant."
Megan was eight when her stepfather's touching caused vaginal bleeding. "He said, 'don't tell mommy, or I'll be in big trouble! That's when I started to realize something was wrong."
She says she felt deserted by everyone. Her older sister had experienced the same abuse by Carl, but remained silent in a family confrontation with her mother and Carl, when Carl denied everything. However, older sister eventually went to their stepmother on Megan's behalf.
As soon as Megan's stepmother and father found out, they took her to live with them. Children's Aid Society issued a restraining order on her stepfather, and she can no longer be left alone with him. She feels 'safer', but is not prepared to return.
Megan is now 11, and her mother is still coaxing her home to live. She does not believe Megan's accusations about Carl, nor did she listen to Megan's sister when she was suffering similar assaults. "That's what has me really confused. If my mom really loved me, she'd believe me and get away from Carl. She didn't choose me."
Joanne's first visit from her dad occurred the summer she was 10, heading into puberty. "I was in bed, and he came in to say goodnight. He talked about how I used to be his little girl, and how I was growing into a woman. He talked about my breasts, about how I was becoming beautiful.
"He made visits like that, progressively touching me, fondling me, for the next nine years of my life.
"I wasn't able to stop my father until I developed my own self-respect and got the strength to tell him to get out of my room. My first years of college, I protected myself on visits home by always taking a girlfriend with me. Then, when I was 19, I woke up to find him standing beside my bed. I told him to ________ off. He never came back."
Joanne, now 35, has a family of her own and a successful career. She and her father have never acknowledged or discussed the relationship, and she still carries with her mixed emotions of love, hate and anger about him.
Susan's nocturnal visits from her stepfather began when she was 13 years old. "He'd be drunk. He'd come into my room; he'd try to fondle me and talk me into 'going all the way.' He'd try to bribe me with money and booze."
Susan told her stepfather to leave her alone, but to no avail. After a year, she told her mother. "I started crying because it was so hard. She believed me. She got a daytime job and gave me a bolt for my door."
Susan, now 16, hates her stepfather, who admits to her that he does it, says he won't do it again, but is still approaching her regularly. "I'd like to see him in jail. Then maybe he'd do something about it. It would have to be for a long time, like six months. He needs counselling."
Susan is in group counselling with a family agency, though she says she hasn't yet talked about her experiences with her stepfather.
Patti's father was a violent man who seldom showed any affection. He also drank a lot.
"The first time, when I was eight, I was home sick and my mother was out. We were alone. He held me and talked to me really gently, almost hypnotically. He would reach inside my pants and touch me.
"I would feel really guilty. I knew he wasn't supposed to touch me there, but he was my father, and you're supposed to honour your father.
"He made me feel really loved and wanted ... he was really loving when he did these things. I went to him for the holding and touching and the soft voice ... the other part came with it.
"When I was 10, I stopped it. We were staying at some relatives, and he came to me in the middle of the night. He started to touch me. I told him I loved him very much, but if he touched me again, I'd tell my mom. He cried. I hurt, because I knew I'd hurt him."
Patti, now 30, with a child of her own, feels her relationship with her father is better now than she ever hoped. "I went through a time when it made me feel really bad. When I was reaching puberty, I thought he was sick and perverted, but as I got older I learned to accept how a parent's love can have a sexual part to it. He feels really badly about it now."
Kim
"When I was 10, I was raped by a stranger. About four months later, my mom was working and my father asked me to have a nap with him. He cuddled me, then he hit me, then he started fondling me. He kept saying, 'you owe this to me'.
"I'd had this horrible thing happen to me (being raped), and the one person I felt I could trust was my father.
"My mom worked all night on the weekends, and I'd wake up and he was in my bed. I was overwhelmed by my feelings. I tried to intellectualize them. He was obviously enjoying himself ... He'd make me watch him touching himself while he touched me, watch him complete his own trip.
"He finally raped me last March. I was 19. And he had this enormous satisfied grin on his face. He said he did it to protect me, he didn't want someone else to hurt me.
"I knew my rights, but they were tangled up with my feelings. My rights were to go to someone when I was 10 years old, and not go through all those years. But I couldn't go to anyone because of my feelings. I love my father; he's my father."
Kim, 19, removed herself and went to college. She is trying to ignore her mother's letters which blame her for rejecting her parents. Her mother's letters tell her that everyone has to do things that they don't want to do sometimes.
"I'm now away at college. I felt I was strong, a success. I'd made it and didn't need counseling. Then I started blacking out, losing total control. Now, I'm seeing a wonderful doctor; she's making me work through it all."
Kim has felt love, guilt, shame and hate. Now she is angry. "It felt wrong. I don't care if other fathers did it; it was wrong for me. I'd been raped."
Completing her first year in a social work program, she says, "I want to work with an agency like Big Sisters or with juvenile delinquents ... I want to work with people."
Fiona was four when her stepfather began forcing her to perform fellatio on him (touch his penis with her hands and mouth.)
"He bought things for me, let me stay up late and watch TV, and then during the day when my mom was at work, he would threaten me. I knew it was wrong because he kept telling me not to tell anyone."
When Fiona was six, her father and stepmother picked her up for a visit one weekend and never took her back. For awhile she felt secure, and at age seven she told her father and stepmother what her stepfather had done.
"Then when I was about 11, my father would call me in the house after my stepmother left for work. It started off with him taking showers, and he'd call me to bring him a face cloth. It went from there. I was not expected to have intercourse, but I was afraid to say no to what he wanted me to do. I didn't want him to feel rejected, or to not like me.
"A couple of times, he asked me if my stepfather did 'this' or 'that'. I'd try to ignore him, but he'd always call. Every weekend. More than once a weekend. He told me it wasn't wrong because my stepmother always did these things to him.
"When I was little I was always threatened. When I was with my dad, it just happened. I thought other kids did this, but I never discussed it with anybody."
Fiona, now 18, says it was ages before she realized it wasn't a normal activity in every family. It stopped after I threatened to tell, she says.
Why does it take so long to say no? There's tremendous confusion over obedience versus rights, ignorance about love and sex, guilt about giving and denying pleasure.
Fiona says it was ages before she realized this wasn't a normal activity in every family. Patti says it wasn't until she talked to her cousins that she even realized that she wasn't alone with her problem. That's how isolated the victims are with these incredible experiences.
That relief in finding someone else in the same boat and in knowing you're not the only one is a great tonic in itself.
Kim identifies how easy it is for others to say 'break the ties and get out.' But it's not that easy. "I still wanted my parents, that family sup-port. I needed hope that they could change, that I could be part of their life. I knew my rights, but they were tangled up with my feelings."
"My rights," says Kim, "were to go to someone when I was 10 years old and not go through all those years. But I couldn't go to anyone because of my feelings. I love my father; he's my father."
Megan, now 11, identifies that same confusion. "When I go over there, I feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty; he's still trying things. I say, 'don't Carl, and I try to bite him or hit him. He just sits there laughing. I feel like I've upset their lives. I love my stepfather Carl, but as a father. I want him to love me as a daughter. There's hate in me for what he's done. It's hard to take when you realize that your father has this bad part to him. I looked up to him."
That's the power a parent has that makes it so difficult to say no.
Joanne, now 35, pinpoints the emptiness that recognition and honesty bring. "For so long, you look up to your father like he's some kind of god. Mostly, because he tells you he is, and because you're expected to obey every command. All of a sudden, you start to realize that he's got a bad part to him.
"It doesn't end there. Once you see that first crack, then you start to see other things about him. For me, this was the beginning, and this was the start of my own growing strength. I disagreed with the way he thought about people, with his prejudices, his selfishness, his me-me-me attitude. If nothing else, he gave me lots of ammunition to grow up to be a lot different than he was.
"That's a good thing, I guess, seeing your parents as people. But there's something sad about it too, because I find it hard to really like my father. I love him, of course, because he's my father and because now that I am a mother I realize the strength of a parent's love. But, I don't like him."
Feeling like they should give pleasure, like they shouldn't say no or hurt dad's feelings, feeling powerless or that their obedience is a possession owed and owned by their father - these feelings are all common contributors to daughters' vulnerabilities. Each young woman even questioned whether she had the right to say no, or even call in her mother for help.
The experts, though, are quick to point out that the problem begins with the parents' own sexual and marriage difficulties which existed before the abuse began. Their children shouldn't feel that they caused the sexual approach or are responsible for protecting and keeping the family together. Eventually, the parents have to face their own problems.
Mothers, more often than not, are aware of, or subconsciously aware of, the activity and ignore it. When confronted, they feel just as powerless, helpless and trapped as their daughters.
Megan's mother is still coaxing her to come home to live. She says she doesn't believe Megan's accusations about Carl, nor did she listen to Megan's sister when she was suffering similar assaults.
What really gets me is how my mom never walked in while Carl was doing this to me. I think she must have known. That's what has me really confused. If my mom really loved me, she'd believe me and get away from Carl. She didn't choose me," says Megan.
Kim says, "My mom seemed almost to push me into my father's bed. Dad would say, 'our daughter doesn't love me anymore. My mother would say, give your father a hug.' "I lost my teenage years; I was so busy protecting everyone else. Mom worked all night. I felt I was protecting her by not telling her. I didn't notice that she always worked nights. I didn't realize that she knew all along. Last Christmas, she sat there and watched my father beat me up, choke me and break a vertebrae in my back. My mother watched me crawl away, and then she got up and followed my father out of the room. I had talked back, and I was punished for it."
So many of the abused daughters didn't believe they had the right to say no, because they saw their mothers didn't.
Joanne waited a couple of years before telling her mother. "I think I waited because I wasn't sure if I was wrong, if I was going to be blamed for this. And, my mother is a self-sacrificing person, the kind who sighs and worries, but never fights for herself. I guess, even at age 12, I knew that's all she'd do.
That's what she did. She said, 'oh, no.' And then she didn't get a full night's sleep until I had left home for college, and until my younger sister had graduated too. She made me feel that she, too, was a victim, that he owned us all"
The pressure the abused victim feels is paralyzing. Psychiatrist Jim Henderson, recognized as Canada's authority on incest, says it's especially difficult for a daughter who sees herself as responsible for keeping the family together.
For father and mother, abusing a daughter at home is one way of keeping parental sexual frustrations and tensions from wandering outside the family, and the pressure the daughter feels is very real. She has a right to end up feeling very angry.
"There's always a fear on the part of victims that they'll break up their parents' marriage," says teen counselor Susie Gordon.
Family court judge Gary Palmer identifies other fears: fear of publicity, of court interrogation, of jail terms, of losing their father's love. These all keep victims from speaking and going outside the home for help.
When love, anger, obedience and hate are all twisted together, it's extremely confusing. Dave Gordon, a Children's Aid Society child abuse co-ordinator, says the victims carry around guilt and concerns about something that isn't their fault.
"They worry about what will happen to their fathers, their families and themselves. They worry about their friends reactions. So often, they've been threatened with, 'if you tell, I'll get into trouble."'
The threat that telling may break up the marriage or send their fathers to jail is often enough to keep victims silent. Abuse is illegal, and depending upon whether it's clinical incest (intercourse) or indecent assault (fondling etc), the criminal code of Canada calls for up to 14 years in jail.
But Judge Palmer says such a sentence is rarely given. "A first offender is likely to be given a suspended sentence with rehabilitation," he says. Courts have to take into account the number of dependents, the family income, the other children who would be split up if a mother couldn't keep the family together.
Social workers Debbie Glenesk, Sylvia Baker and Judi Shields all emphasize that sexual abuse is wrong, an illegal and immoral act. "It is a violation of someone's body. Victims are threatened with power and guilt and embarrassment," says Glenesk.
She says it is critical for a victim to talk out the experience with a professional. "You have to deal with your anger, and you need to get that anger out. It's okay to be angry, but you can't let it destroy you for the rest of your life."
Shields echoes the need to avoid the damage undealt - with emotions can cause later. "Frequently, group therapists are finding women suddenly able to talk about their experiences years later. In the process of therapy, it comes out that there were sexual relationships with parents. The guilt can impair functioning later on in life."
Judge Palmer sees the cure for preventing abuse as a gradual social one, occurring as society moves from a patriarchal ownership structure to one of equality in family and personal relationships.
Joanne certainly gives support to his theory. "I wasn't able to stop my father until I developed my own self-respect and got the strength to tell him to get out of my room."
Kim says no route out is easy. Yet, these six women you've just met all found routes out. The sooner you say no, the better, they say. There's less to work through later. Kim says, "every action that you take has its side effect. Whatever you do is going to hurt. There are no miracle cures. It's going to hurt to heal."
But it is your body, and ultimately, you are the only one responsible for its health.
Patti might well be the exception, but she's the one who managed to say: I love you and 'no, don't touch me' in the same breath.
Megan, now 11, mourns what she has lost. "When I was that young, I didn't know what was happening, and now I think I know about what happens when you're married. I feel like I shouldn't know that now. I'm just a little girl."
No - Don't touch me - I'll tell - I love you, but - you have the right to use these words.
tgmag@tgmag.ca