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By Donna Douglas |
The following three people all have something in common. They don't live at home with their parent(s). But their reasons for leaving are different.
When TG spoke with each of these teenagers, though, their experiences were common. There are good things and bad things about living on your own, and there are things they want to change about their lives.
We've backgrounded the lives of Tina, Michelle, and Oscar, so you can meet them, and share their reasons for leaving.
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Tina Thorne, 16 When Tina turned 14, her relationship at home deteriorated. Her mother has always taken in foster children, and Tina balked at having to follow the same rules. |
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"We argued about everything," she says. When her mother remarried and had a new baby, Tina felt like her rules started getting stricter. "Everything I said or did was always wrong for them. I felt they didn't care for me. After staying with friends for a few days, I called my aunt, Tammy, and moved in with her husband and two kids."
For Tina, moving in with a busy young family and having to get herself to school, live on student welfare, make sure she saves enough money for her $400 room and board expenses, was a tremendous challenge. She was 15 years old when she left home after three earlier attempts.
"My parents said, 'you have to live by our rules' and they weren't bad rules but I couldn't stand the fighting. It was easier to live without them."
For Tina, her sources of strength have been social workers with a local refuge which offers counseling to teens who are leaving home. "They helped me work with my Guidance teacher to apply for student welfare. They helped me budget, find a place to live."
Tina says the support of her aunt was critical to her moving out, though she felt guilty imposing pressure on a young family. "My aunt Tammy has really helped me. She's more of a friend than an aunt. My best friend has helped me too. She's helped me accept my mother the way she is. And I've helped myself! I found a full time job as a secretary for the summer and that's given me confidence.
The Good: I feel more independent. I can do things my own way, develop my own rules, put my own foot down.
The Bad: It's hard to achieve your own goals, figure out what they are in the near and far future. I get student welfare, I feel like I'm a bum.
The Reality: I became my own mother. I can talk to people who think their parents are unreasonable, I can explain that it's not so bad.
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Michelle Hayes, 20 When Michelle's father died the year she was 10, she lost her focus in life. She and her mother and brothers moved from downtown Toronto to a small city in central Ontario. "I wasn't physically abused by my mother; I was emotionally abused," says Michelle. "We had a bad relationship." |
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Michelle says her high school years were terrible. She left home, went on student welfare, got a basement apartment, tried to stay in school. And she got pregnant. Her son, Jordan, now a year old, lives with her and her roommate and her youngster.
As a single mother living on welfare, Michelle receives $806 a month in benefits. Of that she pays $350 for rent and the remainder goes on food and clothes for herself and her baby. She manages just fine, she says. "I don't have expensive taste. I can wait."
She works nights at a dairy bar and says she wants to apply as a mature student at community college.
"My father gave me a sense of focus. With Jordan I now have a sense of focus. But now I'm very, very, lonely. I don't like who I am."
Michelle says her friends have been her biggest supporters. "My friends are my family. I put my friends first. They take me out. They take my son. I can call them. I can't call my mom."
The Good: You can do what you want when you want with nobody telling you what to do because nobody cares.
The Bad: There will always be rules. Your family's or somebody else's. I want to get into school.
The Reality: I'm surrounded by good people and surrounded by bad people. It'll be like that wherever you go. You have to choose wisely. I'm trying to move the bad to the good.
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Oscar Topping, 18 Born in Nova Scotia, Oscar's mom moved the family to Scarborough when her marriage broke up. Oscar was 9. He and his brothers and sisters were divided among aunts and uncles while his mother found work and a place to live for them all. She got a job in a small city north of Toronto and Oscar started grade 4 there. He rarely sees his dad, and now he, his two brothers and a sister are all living away from their mother, who moved to a tiny village many miles away. |
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"I had made the provincial basketball team and my practices are in the Toronto area. I tried to move with my mom. It was a rough little town, and I didn't like it all. I came back. I lived with my brother for three months, but his landlord didn't want me living there. Then I moved in with my buddy's family for five months. Then I stayed with another family, but they split up and then I stayed at another house, but they wanted me to move so they could redecorate. I'm always worried about where I have to move."
Oscar now lives with his school principal and wife and their four toddlers, who climb over his 6' frame, and treat him like their older brother. His move to this house was deliberate.
"The principal suspended me for showing up drunk at a dance. And then he called me in to talk. I wanted to settle down, to do better in school. I've been here two months. I have two part time jobs and government assistance. I'm going to pay board."
The Good: You learn responsibility.
The Bad: I don't think about what I'm doing, and the consequences of it. I'm easily motivated to do bad things...
The Reality: Any relationship will have rules. If you're on your own you have to do everything you had to do at home, only it's your responsibility.
tgmag@tgmag.ca