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By Roberta Beecroft |
Everyone on the cottage docks sprang to their feet with heart in mouth. Four year old Andrew had walked backward off the dock and was flailing in deep water over his head. He was terrified! The adults plucked him from the water, safe. Once in his parent's arms he cried long and loud.
The danger had passed, but his feelings of fear and anxiety were not. His mother held him gently and listened to his wailing. "you're so scared Andrew, you're safe now; what a terrible fright!"
She confirmed his feelings. Yes, the fear was real, for him and for her. He could have lost his life and he had a right to cry and yell about it.
What a lucky little boy to have his experience validated, his feelings accepted, his tears understood. No blame, no shaming, no judgement-just a clear message-"I see how frightened you are right now."
We all know how Andrew felt. We've all experienced fear-exam papers are being passed out; the person I want to date is approaching my locker; I hear my parents fighting downstairs; I'm going away alone for the first time; I give my speech next; my friend has had too much to drink and is acting strange; my date is pushing me to have sex; the group of kids at the end of the block are eyeing my bike.
If only we had the luxury of crawling into a comfortable lap and wailing away our fear and tension. If only we could say, "I'm scared and confused and I don't know what to do."
As teens, our task is to shift control and responsibility for our lives form our parent's control, to self control. These are the years when we learn to become separate, independent people with a clear picture of self. We need to switch from meeting out parents' expectation of us to creating our own. It's scary to do this.
We need to feel our fear, and have faith in ourselves at the same time.
Fear wears many disguises. Swearing, joking, mocking, ridiculing, overeating, drinking, drugs-they're all ways to stay out of touch with our feelings and create distance between ourselves and others. Some people organize their lives around fear. They might become very rigid and establish firm rules to protect themselves from the discomfort of making choices. Others use humour as their defense, refusing to take their feelings seriously. They may tease, ridicule, put others down as a way of hiding their own fear.
Others become super flexible, afraid to take a stand or offend anyone. They give in to everyone and don't know how to say 'no' or how to stand up for themselves. They are like human Gumbys who can be twisted and shaped by others at will.
Taking responsibility for our feelings and decisions can be frightening. It's inevitable that sooner or later you'll make a choice that causes waves of disapproval. We earn respect from others and ourselves by knowing when to stand behind our decisions.
Our main enemy is the monster in our mind that tries to tell us we are not enough. We don't need to deny our fear or bury it under distorting behaviour. When we use truth as our anchor, we see and feel clearly and we trust ourselves to respond honestly.
Fear is a mark of humanity, one of those character-building emotions that helps make us whole, balanced people. When we can recognize our fear, feel it, name it and claim it, then we get to decide what we do with it, whether we use it to strengthen or undermine ourselves.
As we face our fears, we find levels of courage we never imagined that were in us. We don't need to be high profile heroes to live with everyday courage. When it comes right down to the bottom line, the only principle of perfect we need in our lives is to be perfectly ourselves. Trusting yourself, believing you are loveable and capable, is the most effective fear-buster I know.
tgmag@tgmag.ca