Hasslehoff, oh Hasslehoff,
Wherefore art thou Hasslehoff?

By: Jamie Barraclough, TG Co-op Student

The literary demigods of human history are indisputably unparalleled in their eloquence and technique. Sophocles, Homer, Virgil, Plato, Boccaccio, Dante, Shaw and Shakespeare are the unchallenged masters of western literature and have been revered by scholars, authors and poets worldwide.

In May 1996, a new member, Kevin VanHook, will join their ranks with Action Comics' publication of his extraordinary new graphic novel series, "Baywatch Photo Stories".

Not since the great tragedies has the world seen such genius. The parallels between VanHook and Shakespeare are striking: Mitch, the head lifeguard, and Macbeth; Bill the photographer and Heckate, queen of the witches; the climactic battle scene from Romeo and Juliet and Matt's dramatic confrontation with Evil Surfer 1. The literary community is in an uproar at the suggestion that these similarities are too striking to be coincidental. Could it be that Kevin VanHook is the latest reincarnation of William Shakespeare?

If so, over four hundred years of writing have taken their toll since the Bard is beginning to repeat himself. For example, Hamlet, act I, Sc.4, Line 84: "Unhand me, gentlemen, By heaven! I'll make a ghost of him that lets me!" is obviously regurgitated in Baywatch Photo Stories, vol I, Sc.5, Line 6: "You just made a big mistake, pal! A REALLY big mistake!"

Most Shakespearian tragedies open with a valiant character reporting a tragic event. The only difference in the first edition of the Baywatch Photo series is that, instead of a wounded soldier reporting rioting in the streets, Mitch begins the drama with the opening lines, "Ok, you two. We've had some reports of some gang activity over in Anchor's Cove."

Indeed, VanHook is stunningly brilliant in his clever wit and subtle use of bubble letter sound effects during the battle scenes. His stupefying vocabulary extends to a dazzling two syllables and he refuses to let useless details (such as a plot) get in the way of a good story.

Experts have speculated that the Baywatch Photo Stories are actually superior to the original Shakespearian writings in many ways. Othello never featured a Pamela Anderson bikini photo shoot, and Romeo never said anything as suave as "Would you do me the honour of dining with me this evening?"

In fact, experts speculate that the only talent superior to VanHook is, of course, David Hasslehoff himself.