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To:
...................................................
For many years I have
carried around a memory. The memory of a hot
summer's day when you invited me to your parent's
home for a swim and so you could give me my
birthday present. We went swimming and then we went
back inside and I went into your brother's room to
change. Then you came in. I remember kissing you
and then I remember saying no, that I didn't want
to have sex or for the situation to go any further.
I remember saying no a few times. You did not stop.
You raped me.
I wish I had fought back
harder but I now know that even though I didn't do
this, you still had no right to continue... You
should have stopped...
I do not want to call this
incident "by any other name" anymore. I want to
call it what it was, and it was rape. And I no
longer want to be the only person to carry this
burden, to have this memory or to be confused about
what to call that incident.
I wish I had the courage
to deal with this right after it happened. But I
was confused, not sure if what I had experienced
was wrong or not. I was 15 and I was naive, scared.
I talked to you after, visited with you. But I
never forgot and I always felt that something was
wrong about what occurred. As time passed I finally
got the courage and the education to be able to
address this situation, to be able to think about
it and eventually to be able to talk about it. I
realized that it was wrong. I stopped having any
contact with you whatsoever but your memory and the
"birthday present" you gave me continued to haunt
me. I have since grown the courage to name the
incident, to begin to realize that I am not at
fault, that it doesn't matter that I did not fight
back harder, and that even though I was very
confused about what happened and about whether or
not it was rape that it is never too late to call
something by its name. It is not too late for me to
realize this and to start addressing the incident
in a way that is appropriate and in a way that
recognizes that you violated me in a violent
manner... You can choose to react to this letter
however you deem appropriate. You can chose to
ignore it, to deny it, to slander me, or to
acknowledge and address this.
I do not write this letter
to ruin your life or make you feel like a bad
person. I do not think you are a bad person, but I
do think that what you did was
bad...
My purpose in writing this
letter is twofold. Firstly, I want to rid myself of
this burden, to finally name my experience so I no
longer have to second guess myself, my own actions,
or my own feelings about the incident. And, I
suppose, part of me wants you to have to carry this
burden with you as I do. I do not want to be the
only one that thinks about this and is overcome
with all kinds of sorrow when I think about that
day.
Secondly, I want to let
you know that I know what you did. I hope you know
it too, and maybe you have even addressed this
within yourself and maybe you are more respectful
to womyn now. I feel I have to tell you this for
myself and for other womyn. I do not want you to do
this to other womyn; I hope you have not. I hope
that by writing this letter you may get help if you
have not already done this. I hope you have the
courage to address this, just like I finally have
the courage to address it. I hope you find the
strength to apologize to the womyn that you have
pressured and/or that you have raped. I hope you
get information and learn what is appropriate
sexual behavior and what is not. I hope that you
recognize that by being pushy when it comes to sex
you are being disrespectful and you are sexually
assaulting womyn. I hope you know that no means no
and that once no is spoken you must stop and you
must not try to convince the person to change their
mind.
...I hope you know you
raped me.
After you have done these
things, I hope you find peace, just as I hope that
I find peace after mailing this letter. I hope you
find the courage to make amends with yourself, to
educate yourself and to stop this behavior, if you
have not already done so.
Sincerely,
The Womyn who Survived
You
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